Watch me!! Then Read!!
Surprising habits of original thinkers
Click me!! Then Read!!
You always need a soundtrack
“Originals have lots of bad idea’s”
I have a confession to make….
I’ve never really tried…
I remember when I was younger and my dad would accuse me of not trying, I would look at him with my angst fueled eyes, full of self loathing and misunderstood aggression, and scream in his face that he was wrong and explain “I was trying! I just sucked at everything!”
Well Dad, please consider this my formal apology.
I am painfully sorry and…you were right, I really wasn’t trying.
BUT it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, or because I didn’t think I was, it was because I was so afraid of failing that I didn’t even know where to start.
After years of struggle and inner work and sitting on the sidelines, I can safely say I am no longer that person. In fact I now revel in failing. I’ve become so good at failing that now sometimes I even choose to fail. Like this past semester when I decided for the first time ever to stop going to one of my classes. A class that I had been excited to take but one that I never quite got my footing with. After some deliberation I accepted that I was defiantly going to receive an F, and I also decided that I was somewhat okay with this.
The next day I stumbled upon some bathroom graffiti
“Why are you paying to fail?”
At first I laughed, but then it hit me (thankfully I was already sitting),
WHY was I paying to fail? How had I come from one end of the spectrum so far to the other. From being so afraid of failure that I couldn’t even bring myself to try, to being so comfortable with failure that I was willing to flush money down the toilet. As someone who claims that balance is key I sure as hell wasn’t doing a great job of living it.
I have another confession to make…
I am a procrastinating perfectionist…
Okay anyone who knows me probably doesn’t see this as much of a secret. In fact if you’ve ever met me you’ve probably been a victim of my procrastination. Please also consider this a formal apology. The perfectionist part is a little more complicated, but essentially people who struggle with perfectionism actually psychologically struggle to try. Perfectionism is even linked to depression, meaning it is much more than just a self deprecating answer in a job interview to the question, “so tell us, what is your biggest flaw”.
I have another confession
I have struggled on and off with depression since I was 14.
All of these things have contributed to my life in a negative way, all of these things have held me back, but all of these things are not what define me or where I am going (wherever that might be). So why then am I sharing all this with you? It’s because as much as they do not define me or control me (anymore), they have had a hand in molding me, and they are undeniably woven into the fabric of my being. And as much as I have come a long way in over coming them I am still sometimes controlled by them.
This is what I want to try (and realllly try) to change.
I am about to embark on one of my most exciting experiences of my life.
One that I have been encouraged to share…
This isn’t the first time I’ve been suggested to start a blog, and it’s technically not my first attempt either. Even though people have pointed me here before I never felt quite ready.
‘What could I possibly have to say that people would be interested in reading…’
‘There are so many great blogs out there already…’
‘I don’t have the time…’
Essentially I was making excuses not to try.
In all honesty, like my dad already knew, I have not tried in my life as hard as I could have. I am really good at saying that I have, I can convince you and myself that I have, but the reality is I have been failing to try my whole life.
I have tried to be a good sister, a good friend, a good daughter, a good citizen, a good stranger, a good passenger, a good customer, a good leader, a good listener and a good team member.
Have I failed at all of these things? No….
Have I fully succeeded? That’s up for debate..
Do I still have room to improve? ALWAYS!!
First)
This blog marks my first official steps towards trying.
In order for this process to work I have decided to throw caution to the wind. I am human, I am raw, I am sensitive and I sometimes care to much. I can’t promise that everything I write will make you feel comfortable, but I do promise that everything I write is 100% real, honest, vulnerable truth. It will be awkward and wordy, sometimes short and sweet, sometimes it won’t make sense and sometimes it may even make you laugh. Mostly though this blog is about me and my journey, and the stories I feel compelled to share.
Second)
This summer I will be spending 3.5 months in South East Africa working on a water, hygiene and sanitation project in the Salima district of Malawi.
In an effort to commit myself fully to my project and to really commit to trying to overcome my Achilles heel’s I will be focusing the majority of my mental and emotional energies on my project and the people in my district. This blog will serve as my main point of contact with you my dear friends, loved ones and interested folk of blognation.
Our teams collective goal is:
“Foster district connections to support autonomized service delivery in Malawi”
-Vision Statement 2016 Wash Catalyst Junior Fellows
What exactly that means, I guess you’ll just have to stay tuned to find out 😉
bohemianramblingblog 